"You Don't Have To Find Out You're Dying To Start Living." - Zach Sobiech

May 21st, 2013

I'm sure you were waiting to see one of my posts regarding my past trip, but I am still compiling my photos from that trip, so unfortunately you might have to wait a few weeks longer. 

This morning I woke up to find the following video on my facebook newsfeed.


Zach was an 18 year old young man with osteosarcoma.  He was told last year he only had a few months to live.   He lived his life to the fullest, and had such an amazing outlook on life.  I am grateful to work with children and young adults just like Zach. 

Unfortunately, Zach passed away yesterday.  What an inspiration he was to all that knew him. 

Rest in Peace.

Donate My Hair To Locks Of Love

Donating my hair to Locks of Love is something I have wanted to do for quite a long time.

In case you didn't know, Locks of Love is an organization that creates wigs for children who suffer from short term to long term hair loss.  Most of the children that receive wigs from the organization are cancer patients.   The wigs are made possible by people's hair and monetary donations.

When it comes to my hair I have zero patience for it.  I have more patience trying to get a two year old to take oral prednisone (which is pretty much the nastiest tasting liquid medication EVER). 

I wish I was blessed with naturally beautiful hair, however, it takes sulfate-free hair products, blow drying, and muscle power to unfrizz and straighten my hair.

I have attempted to grow my hair for Locks of Love two other times in the past, but I have often thrown in the towel as soon as my hair became too time consuming to manage.

 Walking the Freedom Trial in Boston

In 2008 I got really close to entering a psychiatric asylum like the photo above suggest donating my hair.   Notice the tint of brown in my hair?  My natural hair is a very dark brown, so in order to infuse any hint of color I had to bleach my hair.  In the Locks of Love world, hair bleaching is a huge no-no! 

The minute enough of the bleached hair had grown out I chopped my hair again to start all over with the growing process....

Vancouver, Canada

It took 3 years to grow till I was comfortable with the length.  Because I was cursed with split ends, I had to make constant visits to the hairdresser to get trims.  The time frame would have definitely been shorter if I didn't have to have so many trims.

I was on the verge of giving up a few times, but was often reminded of my patients who would struggle with their hair loss.  I loved watching the gals pick out their wigs, but the real motivation was when my little two year old patient asked Santa for hair for Christmas.  I knew I could not give up after that.

When I was in San Francisco for New Years I decided it was time.  "I'm done," I told my friends!

I needed a new look for the New Year, and some little kid out there was unconsciously waiting for my donation.

Pre-Donation.....

Front View:

Celebrating New Years in San Francisco with friends.  Please ignore all our heavily intoxicated eyes...

Back View:

This was taken the day before I donated.

Here are some things you might want to bring with you if you are planning to donate:

1.  A Hair Tie-  The hair must be braided or in a pony tail to donate.
2.  A Tape Measure-  Minimum amount is 10 inches.  My stylist could not find hers, so I was so glad I  brought mine!
3.  A Ziploc Bag- To put the hair in, obviously!
4. An open mind! -  I think too many gals get too emotional over hair.  I told my stylist to have fun with my hair cause I wanted the experience to be fun.

All in all, I had 13 inches cut and donated to Locks of Love!  

The only suggestion I made to my stylist was that I needed to be able to tie my hair up.  My hair needs to be up constantly at work, especially during a sterile procedure.

The final product....

My new hair do', with my lock of hair ready to be sent in the mail to be donated.

For now I'm gonna enjoy my short hair, and perhaps in the future I will consider donating again!

Date Accomplished:  January 7th, 2013

Be A Cancer Survivor (Part 2)

If you haven't already, read the first part of Be A Cancer Survivor.

It has been a few months now since I was diagnosed with cancer.

After my skin biopsy my nose looked like this...

Unfortunately, a week after my skin biopsy the scab fell off and a new lesion started to grow.  The cancer was growing rapidly right before my eyes.  I was terrified.

I was told by my doctor's office that the type of cancer I had was "slow growing."  It's not slow growing when it starts growing faster than weeds! 

I was depressed.  I felt broken.  I wanted to tell God that I wanted a refund or a do-over.

On September 21st, I met with my surgeon for the first time.  I think he was expecting an old, blonde and blue eyed woman.  He took one look at me SHOCKED and said, "This is not good.  I need to get you into surgery as soon as possible.  You are too young to have to deal with this."  He told me that squamous cell carcinoma is typically slow growing, but mine obviously did not fit hat characteristic.  Not only did I have zero risk factors, but I also had an atypical form of the cancer.  FANTASTIC.  :/

The surgeon was able to squeeze me in a few days later on September 26th.  My type of cancer has a tendency to spread to neighboring lymph nodes, so the quicker the scheduling process the better! Remember when they initially couldn't even get me in for a BIOPSY until November?  I don't even want to know how ginormous the cancer would have been if I waited that long!  That is just another reason why it is SO IMPORTANT to educate and advocate for yourself!

On surgery day, I entered a room and sat in a chair similar to the ones at a dentist.  My surgeon was constantly shaking his head unhappy that I had to deal with cancer.  "You're too young!  I hate this!"  I told him I care for kids with cancer, so in perspective I'm an old geezer in comparison.

We went back and forth about the best way to handle the surgery.  Should we be on the conservative side to avoid major scarring, or do we go all balls out and do the skin graft (that could take years to even look normal again)?

I began feeling overwhelmed and started to cry.  I don't like to cry in front of people.  I'm the happy-happy-joy-joy type of girl, the independent girl that won't even let a guy carry her suitcase, and a total class clown, so it takes a lot to make me cry.

He told me he didn't want to pressure me into anything, but that he had a daughter around my age and if she were in my situation he would do the conservative approach.  Because of his words, and him treating me somewhat like his "daughter," I decided on the conservative approach.

"I hope I didn't pressure you into something you didn't want."

I told him, "This is my decision.  I signed the consent form, not you."

We discussed that if the cancer were to come back that we would do the more aggressive approach plus radiation.

He scrubbed my face with betadine, and then numbed me up with lidocaine.  The lidocaine hurt 10x more this time around since he had to numb a larger area.

If you get queasy at the sight of blood please scroll down really fast....

starting.....




now......

Ahhhh!  Not my best photo. 

Excuse me for not smiling, half my face was numb, and a chunk of cancer was just cut away from me.

He then cauterized the wound to smooth the wound bed so that the healthy tissue grew evenly, and to also kill any remaining cancer cells that may be lingering around.  Die! Die! Die!

For almost two weeks I had to walk around with a bandage on my face....

Me at a cancer work conference in Pittsburgh sporting my band aid

It became a great conversation topic...

Person:  "Hey what happened to your nose?"

Me:  "Oh I got into a huge fight with an asshole named Cancer. It might not look like it right now, but I think I won."

Since then the scab has fallen off, and their is a slight indentation in my nose, along with a tiny hint of pink that I can easily cover with makeup.

This is me one month post surgery. 

On October 23rd (my birthday), I had my follow up appointment with my surgeon.  He told me that the pathology results were back, and I was officially cancer free!  He was as excited as I was with the news.  We both agreed that we made the right choice going the conservative route.

I told him that he just gave me the best birthday present ever!  He made me a cancer survivor! *tear*

This experience was just another reality check for me that the human body is not invincible.  Even though I take care of cancer patients for a living, and have seen many lives cut short due to cancer, it is completely different when you are the one personally carrying the cancer torch.

I have made some significant health changes in my life since my diagnosis.  I now religiously apply moisturizer with sunscreen (even if I am not going out in the sun), I have joined a gym, I've  incorporated more fruits and veggies into my diet, and I have shared my story with several other people my age to increase awareness.

Date Accomplished (I hope, forever!):  October 23rd, 2012

Rest In Peace Grandma

September 19th, 2012

Almost a week ago today, at 11:54PM on Wednesday, September 12th, 2012,  I watched my grandmother (aka Nanay) take her last breath.  She died peacefully with her loved ones surrounding her.

For someone that is exposed to death fairly often, dealing with death is never easy for me.  Through the years I have learned ways to cope with the loss better, but it certainly is never something I have gotten "used to." 

A week before she passed away (same day I found out I had cancer), was the last time I was able to have a conversation with my grandmother.  In her own way, she had been mentally preparing us for her passing since her cancer diagnosis.  She often told us she loved us; but that particular day felt different.  She knew that was the last time we would speak to each other.

My mom called me a few hours before she passed, saying that she had a fever and they could no longer read her blood pressure.  I told my mom to put her phone against my grandmother's ear so that I could talk to her.  I heard her struggling to breath over the phone.  It was heartbreaking.  I've heard that labored breathing way too often, so I knew that she would not be able to make it through the night. 

Over the phone I told her I loved her, and  I told her that we would all miss her.  I then told her that one day we would see each other again.  She moaned and slightly nodded a YES (according to my family).  Two hours later I was at her bedside and she was no longer responsive.

The last few minutes of her life, the nurse in me was counting her respirations, and feeling her capillary refill to check for circulation.  I did this because my family was counting on me to tell them when it was going to happen.  I watched her take her last breath, and then I told my family she was gone. 

My grandmother was 85 years young.

I helped plan her services.  We had exactly 65 hours to plan her viewing.  I have attended several funerals, but I have never planned one, and I don't want to plan another one for an extremely long time.

I got a guestbook, and made memory cards so that people could share their favorite memories of my grandma.

My Memory:

When I was younger my family had an illegal (sshhh) cable box that was filled with every channel imaginable, including the "naughty" ones.  My grandma is not tech savvy at all, so one day I went downstairs to find her watching one of the naughty channels.  I said, "What are you watching?"   She calmly sat on the couch and gave me the remote, "I don't know how to change it."  Sure you don't.   :) 

I wrote a eulogy for one of the most amazing people I know.  I spoke in front of hundreds of people.  I cried.   I spoke from the heart.  I'm really glad that my family made me do it.

Oh and you see those flowers?  I ordered those.  They are her favorite color, and I bargained for them.  Oh and the picture frame on the right?  Costco can have prints ready in less than a day for $3!  I got that huge frame at Michael's for $12 after sales and coupons!  Do you know why I'm telling you this?  Because my grandma was a very thrifty person, and she wouldn't want me to do it any other way.

She had saved up so much money that she paid for her funeral!  She had saved up enough money so that no one in her family would have to be financially burdened to pay for her funeral.  She saved enough so she can have a viewing in the United States, and viewings and a funeral in the Philippines.  She also saved enough so that all her children could fly to the Philippines with no expense.



I also made a slide show that we played throughout the service. The first song was my aunt's choice, the following two songs were my choice. Warning:  Included are photos of me from before I discovered a hair straightener. FRIGHTENING! My grandma loved me just the same even with my fro. :)

The key to surviving a funeral is surrounding yourself with supportive people.   Like my cousin Rex who knows how much I love to laugh and was cracking jokes the entire service.   My nephew, Lucas was a great distraction too, because I got my baby fix.  Oh, and at some point I was singing and dancing to Hot Sundae from Saved By The Bell.  Random, I know.

Surprise visits from friends are always a plus.  I have known these girls for almost 20 years.  Friendships can sometimes be like a marriage; through thick and thin my friends are always there for me.

On a side note, I am wearing a pearl necklace, bracelet, and earrings that I inherited from my grandma.  She gave it to me shortly after she found out she had cancer. It is one of my cherished personal possessions now. 

Above is a photo of my grandma with all her grandkids, grand & great grand nieces and nephews.  She touched so many lives, and we will miss her so much.

Be A Cancer Survivor (Part 1)

Today I found out I have cancer.

Since I was 18 years old, cancer has taken over my life.

At 18, I worked for a cancer research firm for over two years before beginning an internship on a cancer ward.

After graduating college in 2004 with a Bachelors in Nursing, I moved to Los Angeles to work for one of the top Children's Hospitals in the nation on a cancer unit. My life list started there after taking care of an incredible girl named Patty who died of leukemia. I'm obviously now back in San Diego, but have continued to dedicate my life to taking care of children fighting cancer.  In 2009, I even became a stem cell donor for a stranger with cancer.  Then last year it hit me on a more personal level, when my grandmother was diagnosed with Stage IV Lung Cancer after never having smoked a day in her entire life.

So when I say cancer has changed my life, that might be the understatement of the year.

Then in the end of June I started developing a small pimple like growth at the tip of my nose. 

Can you see it?  Probably not, because it was one of those things only I noticed.  I broke out with another pimple on my chin, and thought maybe I was just having one of my yearly acne breakouts.  The pimple on my chin came and went, but the "pimple" on my nose just got bigger.  So I searched for every crazy ointment and old wives tale that could possibly decrease the pimple.  Nothing helped.

By August I was starting to worry.   I became so self conscious about it that I started avoiding cameras, and began using photo editing to cover it up in photos.  I did have a video from my trip to Oregon that I was able to take a screen shot from (for the record, I was singing to 'Call me Maybe').  This is not an adequate representation of how disgusting it looked.  This is with makeup covering it up.  It was red, inflamed, scaly, and bled easily.

I finally saw my primary doctor during the last week of August.  She took one look at the "growth" (no longer could I call it a pimple), and a wave of fear came over her face.  I had fought to see a dermatologist from the beginning, but I had to go through my primary doctor to get a referral. She told me she thought it might be cancer.  She said she would refer me to an ENT (Ears, Nose, Throat) doctor.  The next available appointment was in November, but she was worried so she got me in to see someone the following Tuesday.

The day before my appointment I received a call that they had to cancel my Tuesday appointment.  My appointment was with a Physicians Assistant, and they thought it would be more beneficial for me to see an ENT Surgeon.  They told me the next available appointment was the first week of October (the same week I would be in Pennsylvania for a work conference).  The next available appointment after that would be in November.  Umm Excuse Me?

I am such an advocate for my patients, so being an advocate for myself almost came naturally.

"You tell me I might have cancer, and you are making me wait till October?  This is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE. I don't understand why the Physician's Assistant can't do the biopsy on Tuesday so we at least know what we are dealing with.  I am an ONCOLOGY NURSE so I know how long biopsy results can take!  I do not want to wait a month knowing I *might* have cancer. U-N-A-C-C-E-P-T-A-B-L-E!!!!"

It worked cause I got an appointment on Thursday to see a dermatologist who is known for his biopsy skills.  Wow...I could have sworn I was begging for a dermatology consult weeks ago.

The day of my biopsy, the dermatologist said it was either cancer or a pyogenic granuloma (non-malignant).  The only way we could absolutely know is by doing the biopsy.  They numbed me up with lidocaine, sliced off the visible growth, and then ended it with cauterizing the wound.  FYI, the smell of burning flesh is one of the worst smells in the world. Correction:  The smell of burning flesh right by your nose is one of the worst smells in the world.

One week post biopsy I am makeup-less, and sporting a sweet little scab. It's my new battle scar.

Also one week post biopsy, I received a call from my doctor telling me the biopsy results were in and I have squamous cell carcinoma.

The Risk Factors of Squamous Cell Carcinoma....

• Light Colored Skin, Blue or Green Eyes, Blond or Red Hair - NOPE
• Long-Term, Daily Sun Exposure- NOPE (I work indoors for 12 hours at a time)
• Many Severe Sunburns Early in Life- NOPE (my parents never took us to the beach)
• Older Age- NOPE
• Having had many X-Ray's- NOPE (I have had less than 5 X-rays all in places below my head)

Just goes to show that anyone can get skin cancer!

Just hours before my biopsy results came in I was crying and hugging my grandma, and saying my goodbyes as she nears the end of her cancer battle.

One person just starting their cancer journey, while the other is ending theirs.

Cancer...I am ready for you.....

P.S.  It won't take a toy gun to beat this.  My cancer battle will likely not involve chemo (so I get to keep my hair which I have been growing out to donate).  At the very most it will involve skin cancer surgery, skin grafts (depending on how much of my nose they have to remove), plastic surgery, laser surgery and/or dermabrasion.  Check out this woman's skin cancer story (with pictures).

P.S.S.  As a nurse, I feel like it's my duty to make a plea to take extra precautions to prevent yourself from getting skin cancer.  I had none of the risk factors and still got it, so if you find yourself in the higher risk category make sure to take additional preventative measures. We are not invincible. 

Date Accomplished:  In Progress.....

Help People With Cancer

After deleting this entry nearly a year ago, I have finally brought it back to life.  It probably is the list item that I have most committed myself to, and plays such a huge part in my life. 

I was cleaning out boxes in the office the other day and came across a stack of papers.  In the stack were pages from a journal I had written back in high school.  It appeared to be like any normal teenagers journal, "I soo heart him.   Oh my god he totally looked at me in 3rd period today."  Then masked in sentences upon sentences of teenage bliss was a life list in paragraph form.

 Our Little Angel on Earth and now in Heaven.  This photo made it onto posters, magazines, postcards, and in national medical journals.  So next time you flip through a medical journal you might see me!

"One day I want to help people with cancer."  (I had been watching a St Jude Hospital Special)

Life moved on, I graduated high school, went to college, and then got this amazing job for a cancer pharmaceutical company.  Here I was an 18 year old freshmen with no experience, and lucked out on a job that gave $3000 Christmas bonuses for part time employees!  I had caviar and hung out with scientists in million dollar homes overlooking the ocean.  In all seriousness, I helped see the long drawn out process of how drugs become treatments for cancer.  I worked on reports for the FDA, I helped make cancer killing agents in complete sterile environments.  I even helped conduct cancer treatments on mice (yeck!). 

I eventually made it into nursing school, and kept my options open (with that high school goal still lingering in the back of my mind).  At one point I wanted to be a Neonatal Intensive Care Nurse, but I took one look at a 24 week premature baby and immediately axed that idea.  I started working with kids in a Medical/Surgical unit and was not motivated.   Around this time I left my cancer pharmaceutical job and got a paid internship to work on an adult Medical Oncology Unit.  I enjoyed working there, and was offered a guaranteed position after graduating college.

I had a rotation on the oncology ward at the local Children's Hospital (coincidentally where I work today), and immediately fell in love with the kids.  I can't even explain that excited feeling of finally knowing my decision was made.  I always say that "my kids" are not like regular kids, and it's not because they are fighting life threatening diseases, or that they have no hair, but it is because their is just something so special about them that makes them different. 

I got a job in LA at one of the top Children's Hospitals in the nation.  Those first two years were rough.  I think I went home crying at least once a week.  It spawned the making of the official life list (after years of being suppressed in my head and scattered in numerous journals throughout my life), and most importantly it was where I realized that life really is too short. 

My Little Spongebob Loving Friend.  Oh and Spongebob apparently had a blood pressure and pulse!  I checked!

When I moved back to San Diego my determination to help people with cancer only grew.  I became  a huge advocate for my patients and families, I ran a support group for cancer kids,  I won a national award for the difference I had made for my patients and their families, and I donated my bone marrow to a stranger that made it all full circle.  I have hugged families to cope with a new diagnosis or relapse, and I have had to say goodbye for the last time to the most amazing kids.  I still cry (I am crying as I write this), but through the years I have just learned how to handle my emotions better. 

"You're job is so sad and depressing.  I don't know how you do it."

Yes, it can be.  But I make the best out of every day those kids are in my care.  Dance Party, you say!?!  I am only the Queen of dance parties! I can't even count the number of videos parents have of me through the years dressed up in some outrageous outfit, singing, or dancing my bloody head off.

Hat Party, Wig Party, Water Fights, Fashion Shows, Pranks of every kind, Karaoke Parties, Hallway Marching Parade (splits and flips included), and Thanksgiving Skits (which ended with the kid saying, "This is the best Thanksgiving EVER").  Granted the above are not in my job description, but it is that added fun factor that makes me happy when a kid getting a continuous chemo infusion says, "This is the best day ever!  I don't even feel like I'm in a hospital!"  I don't know about you, but I love my job, and I spend so much of it laughing with a huge grin on my face.

Do you know how many people hate their jobs?  Now THAT is sad and depressing!

Wig and Hat Party.  Miss him So Much.

Even when things don't go as planned, I am there to help that kid ease their pain until they take that last breathe.  I have helped families make the toughest decisions.  I have been that shoulder to cry on.  I have been that ear that is willing to listen.  I have been that voice when they can't say it in words.

It took me YEARS to really acknowledge this, but I DO make a difference.  I have endless photos, letters, little trinkets, and drawings given to me from kids and families thanking me for being parts of their lives.  I am so fortunate in every way to be a part of their journey.  They inspire me, and these faces should inspire you too.

My "Family"...till this day they still call me that.

It's a roller coaster ride, but it's one that most days I can handle and am proud to be on.

So High School CeCe, Bravo, Goal Accomplished!

P.S.  All photos were personally given to me by the families; or by co-workers after obtaining legal approval.  Rest in Peace to these little angels, and all my other angels that have allowed me into their lives.

Date Accomplished:  I cannot put a date on this one.  This is a life long mission, and is far from being over.

Run A Toy Drive For Sick Children

One of the darlings that I took care of...she got some of the toys that were donated!

My first year of being a nurse my old roommate and I started a toy drive.  I had told her once that some of the kids and their families literally had nothing.  We then decided to start a toy drive for the kids.  We emailed everyone we knew, and we slowly collected toys from friends and family.  We even had friends that mailed us money so that we could pick out our own toys for the kids.  Before we knew it half our living room was piled with toys! 

I piled the toys in giant suitcases and huge duffle bags.  It took me several trips over a week to bring all the toys to work.  The child life specialist was surprised and overwhelmed by all the toys (I don't think she expected a nurse to set up a toy drive).  She also allowed me to hand pick certain toys to some of my favorite patients.  It's unbelievable how toys can bring so much happiness into a child's life despite being sick.  It always excites me to give a child a toy, especially after a painful procedure, or for being brave after enduring something tough.  It makes me feel like Santa Claus, and I love how I can play Santa all year long.  :)

This really should not be a one time thing! If you would like to make a donation and help me provide toys, used dvds and video games, arts and crafts, and pajama sets or clothes (must be new) to the kiddos then please email me at cece(@)little-victories.net. 

Date Accomplished:  Holiday Season 2004