I was cleaning out boxes in the office the other day and came across a stack of papers. In the stack were pages from a journal I had written back in high school. It appeared to be like any normal teenagers journal, "I soo heart him. Oh my god he totally looked at me in 3rd period today." Then masked in sentences upon sentences of teenage bliss was a life list in paragraph form.
Our Little Angel on Earth and now in Heaven. This photo made it onto posters, magazines, postcards, and in national medical journals. So next time you flip through a medical journal you might see me!
"One day I want to help people with cancer." (I had been watching a St Jude Hospital Special)
Life moved on, I graduated high school, went to college, and then got this amazing job for a cancer pharmaceutical company. Here I was an 18 year old freshmen with no experience, and lucked out on a job that gave $3000 Christmas bonuses for part time employees! I had caviar and hung out with scientists in million dollar homes overlooking the ocean. In all seriousness, I helped see the long drawn out process of how drugs become treatments for cancer. I worked on reports for the FDA, I helped make cancer killing agents in complete sterile environments. I even helped conduct cancer treatments on mice (yeck!).
I eventually made it into nursing school, and kept my options open (with that high school goal still lingering in the back of my mind). At one point I wanted to be a Neonatal Intensive Care Nurse, but I took one look at a 24 week premature baby and immediately axed that idea. I started working with kids in a Medical/Surgical unit and was not motivated. Around this time I left my cancer pharmaceutical job and got a paid internship to work on an adult Medical Oncology Unit. I enjoyed working there, and was offered a guaranteed position after graduating college.
I had a rotation on the oncology ward at the local Children's Hospital (coincidentally where I work today), and immediately fell in love with the kids. I can't even explain that excited feeling of finally knowing my decision was made. I always say that "my kids" are not like regular kids, and it's not because they are fighting life threatening diseases, or that they have no hair, but it is because their is just something so special about them that makes them different.
I got a job in LA at one of the top Children's Hospitals in the nation. Those first two years were rough. I think I went home crying at least once a week. It spawned the making of the official life list (after years of being suppressed in my head and scattered in numerous journals throughout my life), and most importantly it was where I realized that life really is too short.
My Little Spongebob Loving Friend. Oh and Spongebob apparently had a blood pressure and pulse! I checked!
When I moved back to San Diego my determination to help people with cancer only grew. I became a huge advocate for my patients and families, I ran a support group for cancer kids, I won a national award for the difference I had made for my patients and their families, and I donated my bone marrow to a stranger that made it all full circle. I have hugged families to cope with a new diagnosis or relapse, and I have had to say goodbye for the last time to the most amazing kids. I still cry (I am crying as I write this), but through the years I have just learned how to handle my emotions better.
"You're job is so sad and depressing. I don't know how you do it."
Yes, it can be. But I make the best out of every day those kids are in my care. Dance Party, you say!?! I am only the Queen of dance parties! I can't even count the number of videos parents have of me through the years dressed up in some outrageous outfit, singing, or dancing my bloody head off.
Hat Party, Wig Party, Water Fights, Fashion Shows, Pranks of every kind, Karaoke Parties, Hallway Marching Parade (splits and flips included), and Thanksgiving Skits (which ended with the kid saying, "This is the best Thanksgiving EVER"). Granted the above are not in my job description, but it is that added fun factor that makes me happy when a kid getting a continuous chemo infusion says, "This is the best day ever! I don't even feel like I'm in a hospital!" I don't know about you, but I love my job, and I spend so much of it laughing with a huge grin on my face.
Do you know how many people hate their jobs? Now THAT is sad and depressing!
Wig and Hat Party. Miss him So Much.
Even when things don't go as planned, I am there to help that kid ease their pain until they take that last breathe. I have helped families make the toughest decisions. I have been that shoulder to cry on. I have been that ear that is willing to listen. I have been that voice when they can't say it in words.
It took me YEARS to really acknowledge this, but I DO make a difference. I have endless photos, letters, little trinkets, and drawings given to me from kids and families thanking me for being parts of their lives. I am so fortunate in every way to be a part of their journey. They inspire me, and these faces should inspire you too.
My "Family"...till this day they still call me that.
It's a roller coaster ride, but it's one that most days I can handle and am proud to be on.
So High School CeCe, Bravo, Goal Accomplished!
P.S. All photos were personally given to me by the families; or by co-workers after obtaining legal approval. Rest in Peace to these little angels, and all my other angels that have allowed me into their lives.
Date Accomplished: I cannot put a date on this one. This is a life long mission, and is far from being over.
4 comments:
You had me in tears there! I think what you do is amazing and to brighten kids lives up when sometimes there doesn't feel like much hope, is a wonderful thing to do. I've worked in a variety of different care settings and can empathise with that special relationship you develop and how you bring that extra quality to people's lives. Also love your strength and can imagine that is so important, because you are what parents need when they hear bad news or have to say goodbye, they need someone who can understand their pain and be there for them. Think your doing great and well done on completing a goal that goes above and beyond any other goal or achievement. Keep loving it all and being there for the kids:-)xx
I can hardly breath- now I that I have a child of my own I become profoundly emotional when I hear any type of negative story about children. I will never know how the parents can get through losing a child or having a sick child. This is THE WORST thing a person could go through, normally I chose not too read or listen to stories such as these because it really makes me too sad but I am glad to know that there are people like you who are brave enough to handle a job such as yours. Thank you for what you do CeCe, you are an angel.
I'm sorry I had you crying! I'm so fortunate to share this profession with other staff that love the kids. A lot of people (including my parents) don't understand why I love what I do. I can't even explain how inspiring they are.
Oh trust me...I cannot watch the news because I know how hard it is already at work. The only time I watch the news is if I know I'm gonna be on the news or my patients are. Otherwise, forget it! I don't (biologically) have a child, but some of them are like my own children. I teach them right and wrong, I teach them to be respectful, and polite. So I can't even imagine how it is for these parents, and siblings. I usually lose it when a sibling cries. I saw a sister lose both of her siblings to leukemia. To be a middle child to becoming an only child. I hurt for her.
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