Walk Through The Red Light District In Amsterdam

You're either thinking, "You are crazy to want to go to the Red Light District!" or "Hello!  You're in Amsterdam, Why wouldn't you go?!?!"  If you're part of my family then you can continue thinking I'm crazy, and to add to my crazy shenanigans I traveled to Amsterdam by myself, and stayed in a hostel with three men (who snored like they were in a harmonized glee club).

There are Red Light Districts scattered all over the world, and the most famous one being in Amsterdam.  Typically, a Red Light District is an area where prostitution and other sexual oriented activities and businesses take place.  There are several countries in the world that legalize prostitution, and the Netherlands just so happens to be one of them.

I was sane enough to not go into the Red Light District by myself, despite it being a mere 5 minute walk from my hostel.  I knew very little about the district, so I decided a walking tour at night would be the safest and best option.  I met with a small group of people, and our guide was a guy named David.  He started off giving us a history of the district, and even stopping at a Condomerie (a shop that sells only condoms, including ones shaped as The Simpsons family). 

My first view of the Red Light District

We walked by a few sex shops, old buildings and churches (really!), and everything up to that point was pretty lackluster and not any different from what I would see back home.  Then David stopped us and told us, "Okay guys, we're going into the district now, you will see women in the windows, and whatever you do, do NOT take pictures of them!  They will take your camera and smash it to bits, trust me, I have seen it happen!"

Some things I learned....

• Historically, they used red lights because it hides blemishes and overall makes the skin look flawless.  Remind me to find a red-lit restaurant the next time I am on a date.

• If you see a blue lit window with a woman standing in it....psst...guess what...it is not a woman.

• The oldest prostitute actively working is in her 80's. I say "You Go Girl!"

The women overall were attractive women, and we even walked through a very narrow street that supposedly hosts the most beautiful women of the district. The women danced in the windows, and pointed at men to lure them to their windows. If you saw an empty window with the red neon lights turned on that meant she was busy "working."  I saw men heavily negotiate with women, and other men coming out of the windows quickly struggling to get their pants back on. 

David then asked us, "Do you want to see a peep show?  It's 2 euros for 2 minutes."   Some people eagerly said yes while I shook my head no.  He told us he could get couples and pairs of girls into one room for the price of one, however solo guys would have to go into the rooms by themselves.  One of the girls in the group looked at me and said, "Come on!  I don't want to go by myself!" So I agreed to go without really knowing what I had agreed to.  The girl and I went into a small room (more like a closet) that had only a frosted window and a little machine to drop our money.  We put in a Euro each and suddenly the frosted window came down.  In front of me was a revolving bed with a couple having sex...like LIVE sex...and to top it off they were looking right at us!    We were mortified that they could see us, and not only could we see them, but we could see every single person watching too!  Oh, and some of them weren't just watching, they were pleasing themselves!

We both agreed that it was the longest two minutes of our lives.  I spent the last few moments staring at the ceiling because either I had to watch this couple look at me as they were having sex, or watch the nasty men being aroused by it.  When it was all over the first thing I said was, "I need a drink."  The Gods of the Red Light District must have heard me because as soon as the tour ended a few of us went to a bar nearby for some drinks.  David got us a Jagger shot, and I began mingling with complete strangers.  One of the strangers I met was a guy from California who was traveling around Europe for a few months.   He asked me what I did for a living, and I told him "I work as a nurse for kids with cancer."  He then tells me, "That's nice, I'm a porn movie producer.  The last movie I produced was Squirting Cheerleaders Part 5 (that wasn't the exact title, but it was something to that effect!)"  I tried to read his face to see if he was joking, but he was completely serious!

After a few drinks me, David, and porno guy headed to another bar to meet up with a few of David's friends.  There I met Aussie Julian and a real crazy hippie guy from Ohio.   We enjoyed a few drinks, until we were forced to listen to the porno guy and hippie guy vigilantly talk about the Paul McCartney conspiracy.  So when the porno guy went to the bathroom, me, David and Julian made our great escape that ended my first Red Light District experience!  Moderately intoxicated, I somehow managed to find my way back to my hostel, after only stopping to have the best French Fries ever!

The Red Light District isn't any more dangerous than any other city I have visited.  In fact, I was never harassed by any gypsies, and I was approached by more drug dealers in Portugal than I was in Amsterdam!  

P.S.  A few days later I ended up seeing Aussie Julian again!  He went up to me and said, "The weird guy (porno guy) from the other night is right behind you!"  I turn around, and heck, he was right, there he was!  Talk about a small world....

Date Accomplished:  October 19th, 2011